Looking toward the end?

Ok, so i had me another weird pregnancy/birth dream the other night in which I was simultaneously waterbirthing alongside Erykah Badu in the same birth pool. It was quite weird and ended in some equally weird breastfeeding montage that was CRAZY real, but I digress. The baby fever is on high these days, lol.

But having said that, i just recently have been looking even further, to the end of my own baby-making days. Ive always pictured myself pregnant or with a newborn or even a toddler, breastfeedng blissfully and changing diapers gleefully and chasing around a lil fluffy butt with babyface resembling my own. But from my many mommy-blog lurkings, ive been curious about life after baby-making and just being a mom to kids. Many mothers feel VERY done after they get their desired number of babies out and others just change their plans altogether after being hit with the hurricane known as parenthood, so they may stop earlier than anticipated. But most mothers seem to be genuinely elated to be done with that part of their lives and to "get their body back".

I wonder what that feels like. I mean, hear me out. All ive ever wanted to DO is to get my body INVADED per a sweet little heavenly cocoa baby, lol. So, to see folks at the point where they're good and ready to NOT be pregnant, ever again, is amazing and I wonder what it will feel like for me. Yea, i know, im so far ahead of myself its not even funny. I havent been anywhere near pregnant and yet here I am wondering what its like to be through with pregnancy and birth.

I mean, on some of the message boards I frequent, some women seem to go through a grieving period and even DREADING the day that they realize their baby-making days are over. They cry over knowing that they will never have that anticipation again, the excitement of trying for a baby, the thrill of realizing their pregnant, having that unspoken connection with a little being growing inside them and then the herculean feat of giving birth and taking care of a little one. They CRY over not having those days anymore. They cry over knowing that the next newborn they cradle may very well be someone else's or even further their own GRANDCHILDREN. Especially if they are on their last pregnancy. They cherish every little bit of it down to the last contraction, ache and baby kick.

I wonder what that will be like for me. Yes, i wonder what it will be like to decide to TTC and to be pregnant and to give birth, but wow, it must be AWESOME to know that, this is it, from here on out, my body belongs to me, Im SET and THIS is my family; we are HERE. These are my kids and my sole focus is to rear them to be the best they can be from here on out, without any real lifestyle changes that a new baby can bring. And then to also know that your body is yours and yours only again. To shape and modify and inebriate (heh) as you please. That must be pretty cool.

Shout out to you mothers out there who are done babymaking! It must feel great and I hope to get there one day.

Aaah, another holiday looms...

Welp, the 4th of July looms every nearer and well, hubby and i have NO PLANS whatsoever. A three day weekend allll to ourselves *imagines my future mama-self wishing she could go back to being present-me*

Is it bad that im really happy i have the freedom* to do what i want, when i want especially during the holidays...but when the holiday actually gets there, I wish I had my own family to share it with? Its a strange dichotomy to live in, you know?

Any holiday that comes up, i get a giddiness that hubby and I will share in slept-in mornings in bed, eat glorious food the way we want and laze the days away and then popping up for our patented late night runs to get junk food. Cant do that with a baby in tow, now can we?

So WHY am I daydreaming about us having kids around whenever a holiday comes around? I visualize us experiencing the holiday through their eyes...taking them on cool discovery trips out of town, waking them up early to fix them a bountiful breakfast, eating good foods throughout the day and then feasting like giggling pigs for dinner, dressing them up in the finest holiday fare and just watching them take it all in. I cant have both, right?

Sometimes i think, cool down chick, this may be the last such and such holiday you have alone. That gives me peace for like, 5 minutes, lol. I dont even know what im being impatient for! lol

At any rate, im just going to imagine that this very well be my last 4th of july pre-kids and that my future mama-self is FIERCELY jealous of present-me right now lol.

Have a safe weekend, everyone!

*there's no real freedom cause we're broke, so we couldnt go out and do anything we wanted even if we wanted to lol

Im still here, lol.

Nothing new here...im still baby lusting, trying to stay positive that come this time next year, we will be gearing up to TTC. So much has to happen between then and now tho. Hubby still has no job, my business is still...sigh..i dunno, i have very little monies to invest in getting it started and hubby's unemployment is about to run out so im feeling really down about it all. We still gotta move (which cant happen until our current lease is up, but still), gotta get some savings going and a baby fund going and i'd like to procure a puppy before we get started (thas a want not a need lol).

So i dunno, im just feeling very blah about it all. Father's day was kinda awkward as i felt some kind of way that hubby still isnt a father and im sure hubby felt some kind of way that he's 32 years old and still not a father. We feel like we're stuck in some of the thickest mud.

But there is a way. There always is a way and we will find it.

ACK!

Aight, i TOLD ya'll i suck at this blogging thing, but ima get better, I promise *puts hand on her heart*

So anyway, I've been dealing with that dreaded, green-eyed monster called....jealousy. Blah. Its SO unlike me. Where'd it come from you ask? Well, i found out a good friend from my recent past is newly pregnant with her and her hubby. I am utterly THRILLED for them because they are such good people and i really do love them dearly. HOWEVER, i think it hit me so bad because...well...she reminds me of me, lol. We are a lot alike in the way we think, act, our lives are sort of similar, etc. On top of the new pregnancy, they just bought a new place (something else hubby and I are working on). So, yea, tho I am happy for them, i did get jealous.

There is just so much to DOO though, i have NO BUSINESS being jealous. Plus, i know that the reason grass seems greener on the side is primarily due to the all the -ahem- fertilizer that was applied to it, you know what im saying? Everything goes through something and im sure that they went through their trials to get to where they are.

But Lord knows *I* can hardly wait to be at that place in my life. It seems SO far away. And i dont make it no better by visiting parenting sites, subscribing to blogs and vlogs about pregnancy, babies and parenting. I mean, i am learning a LOT (at this point, i probably know more about pregnancy, childbirth and babies than most parents out there lol), but I also recognize that it can be a way to "measure" myself up against other people and that's not good.

I try to remind myself that one day I will look back and WISH I was in this place...no kids...no pets, noone to take care of but myself, lots of sleeping in and relaxing and coming and going when i please. Sigh. So WHY do I want to give all of that up?

Ok, ima tell folk RIGHT NOW, im not great at this blogging thing, lol. I have another blog about my business that I barely pay attention to (that will change here soon), but this one will be a little more all inclusive.

So, i asked myself, just what do I want this blog to be about? In my heart of hearts, I want this blog to be about my journey to motherhood. But i know full well that could veer off course or even take a turn, lol. But anywho, until then, I think that's what my focus will be and then I can just fill in the gaps with whatever.

At any rate, to begin where I am, hubby and I just got back from an impromptu night out bowling. Bowling is one our favorite "couple hobbies" and it was a pretty rare event as we are bonified homebodies. However, hubby has been laid off from his job since Feb of this year, just tryin to figure out what to do with himself and he just wanted to get out of the house. So we had good fun and the bowling alley was lovely.

Only thing about it was the alley was chock FULL of families. Including the ones at our lanes. This one little cute girl was so small that she needed the little pre-bowler helper stand that little kids can set their ball on and then it rolls down the stand and into the lane to see how many pins they can aim at. She was SOO cute and hubby cooed over how cute she was (he also didnt know they had bowling contraptions like that for the kids).

So goes how we view kids as of now. They seem to be untouchable...unreachable for us. We want them, but we recognize that right now, we can hardly afford ourselves, let alone a child. So we are waiting (waiting isnt the right word, but working on) for our financial picture to improve. But in the meantime, we coo and awe over the cute kids we see when we are out and how we would parent them and other sappy junk like that.

On one hand, it feels good to know that money is pretty much the only thing stopping us from having kids right now but then it totally SUCKS to know that THAT is the only thing holding us back. But babies need more than love, money keeps the lights on and food in the house, you know? Plus we are dead set on providing our children with a better life than we had.

Meanwhile, i have raging baby fever (tho it can cool from time to time, i'll admit) and all my colleagues and friends are having kids or have long been parents. Hubby and I are late as far as they're concerned. Blah. We have a different timetable, sue us, lol.

Anyway, it was nice to get out...to see what the future may look like too. Felt nice.